Five years ago, I got answers in the form of an ADHD diagnosis. That answer doesn't mean I've stopped asking questions, nor have I figured everything (or anything!) out. The post ADHDaversary: five years on the ADHD journey. first...

Five years ago today I was inconclusively �diagnosed� with ADHD: my testing couldn�t fully diagnose ADHD, though did pinpoint a host of other learning issues and quirks about my brain, but they also couldn�t fully exclude the possibility of an ADHD diagnosis. That discussion marked a closure of sorts: gave me answers, and affirmed the fact that no, I wasn�t dumb, and I was in fact trying as hard as I could�my brain just has wiring that�s a bit different.

Over the last five years I�ve navigated what that means�and I�ll probably spend the rest of my life figuring it out. I�ve embraced that I �see life differently�.�

Embracing ADHD though, doesn�t mean I�ve stopped questioning what might have been different had I been diagnosed with ADHD and learning issues earlier�unfortunately. Perhaps one day.

i�ve got scars i�m willing to show you.
you had heart that i�ll never see
she had answers to all the wrong questions.
it�s funny, these answers are all that i need.

caldecott tunnel, something corporate

From twenty-one to twenty-six, things have changed a lot in those five years since my diagnosis�many, if not most, for good. I�ve written before about wanting back certain elements of myself from certain points in my life�coincidentally, today, I feel I might be closer to that. Whether a method of procrastination or of opportunity, I danced today for the first time in ages. I paused once in that 34:40.61 span of time to make a note in my journal�another activity, like exercise, I did much more frequently in 2011-2013 than I do now, and one I am obviously better off for doing�both in general and specifically for my ADHD.

During that time when I was flailing around �dancing� (because I can�t dance, and I don�t care, �cause it feels good), I also again remembered it was my ADHDaversary, and reflected on that, too. How I�m still the same but, because of the knowledge packaged in a diagnosis, so different at the same time.

When busing back and forth from assessment appointments, I listened to a lot of Something Corporate, and found specific relevance in Caldecott Tunnel. Mostly for this one line in the midst of the process�and for the one above after the fact.

we end up regretting the things we don�t try.

caldecott tunnel, something corporate

Here I am, five years later. Appreciative of and still wanting everything I know now, but also wanting elements of my twenty-one-year-old-self�who was figuring shit out much the same as I am now.

And knowing somehow, someday I�ll get there�or a different version of here. And will continue to embrace the good of ADHD� and work on doing better at embracing the moments I hate my ADHD, seeing the not-so-good�for what it is and working with it.�In the meantime, I�ll enjoy the journey�because let�s be honest, an easily distracted and differently thinking mind has to be a lot more interesting to live with than a neurotypical one. Not that I will know that world, and nor do I want to.�

If I had a normal brain I wouldn�t be me, after all. And being me has been a pretty wild ride so far.

I think the added impulsivity helps with that.

�

I�ve got a lot of amazing allies who have been my biggest supporters through the earliest days of questions and all of the days since I got the answer of ADHD. Jay � as always, without you I am unsure I�d have persisted in accessing the assessment�thank you for all your support finding resources early on, and in the last five years. Seriously not sure where I�d be without you. Tash � for throwing e-mails back and forth in all phases of the process. and sharing your own adult ADHD/ASD journey with me so candidly; you pushed me to learn more about myself. The Smart Girls with ADHD admins�Beth, for creating SGwADHD, Nikki, Liz, Nathalie and Matti. Rob, Theresa, and everyone else I�ve connected with online. Thanks for helping me to be more awesome.

I�ve probably missed some of you. If you�re reading this, well, you likely deserve to be on this list too. Thanks for being a part of my story.

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