And so it goes…

I’m single again.

I’m the one who ended it, and while I’m not offering the details, I’m hopeful the end of our relationship sparks the beginning of growth in some needed ways for both of us. I will share that this was sudden, so my feelings are all over the place.

And? I still call this success. I learned that I still have the capacity to feel feelings I thought would be dormant forever after Lee’s death. I learned new feelings are possible, ones I’ve never felt before but that emerge in relationship. I learned that I can hold my own wellness as a priority and walk away, albeit painfully, once something becomes unhealthy for me.

This relationship was good for me. Even things that end can have benefits from the era in which they lasted.

I don’t regret involving the kids. They met him a few times, and I’m glad for that. They have witnessed a loving committed relationship and witnessed it ending well.

I did feel a bit strange as I broke the news of the breakup to my babies, but it went well. Strange isn’t bad; it just is. (The stories themselves belong to my children, so I won’t share any more than this. As a mom, I am the keeper of their stories, not the teller of them.)

I don’t hate dating. That said, I don’t see myself pursuing it again any time soon. I love my kids, I love my friends, and I’m beginning to love my life again. Dating? Sure, if it happens.

And my next foray into dating might not be with a dude. I’m questioning and giving myself permission to explore now, and I’m probably bisexual. So this is me, kinda coming out, I guess. Pride Month is good timing after all.

For now, though, I’m single. I’m grieving Lee’s death in a new way, because I would rather be with him than dating anyone.

I don’t hate dating.

I just wish I didn’t have any need for it.

I’d like to still be dating the first man I loved, the one I married, the one who never turned 38. I believe love might be possible again with another partner, but I’m in love with my life as it was and as it is* without a plus one.

*I’ve learned to love my life as it is, present tense, verrrrrrrrry recently, and I’m still learning.