Tim Ferriss 
This special episode is devoted to one deceptively simple question: How do you stay close to your partner over time through the inevitable exhaustion, misunderstanding, conflict, disappointment, and change?
This episode is brought to you by:
- Eight Sleep Pod Cover 5 with dual-zone temperature control, so each partner sleeps at their perfect temperature
Additional podcast platforms
Listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast, Podcast Addict, Pocket Casts, Castbox, YouTube Music, Amazon Music, Audible, or on your favorite podcast platform.
Transcripts
- This episode (coming soon)
- All episodes
Show Notes
Connect with Esther Perel:
- Website | Where Should We Begin? Podcast | X | Facebook | Instagram | Threads | YouTube
- Esther’s appearances on the podcast: 418, 402, 271, 241
Connect with Brené Brown:
- Website | Unlocking Us Podcast | X | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn
- Brené’s appearances on the podcast: 409, 207, 100
Connect with Brad Feld:
Connect with Jim Dethmer:
Connect with Sheila Heen:
- Stone & Heen | Facebook | LinkedIn
- Sheila’s appearances on the podcast: 703, 532
Connect with the legacy of Dr. Sue Johnson (RIP):
- Website | X | Facebook | Instagram | YouTube | LinkedIn
- Dr. Johnson’s appearance on the podcast: 529
Connect with Terry Real:
Connect with Diana Chapman:
Recommended Reading, Listening, & Viewing
- World Peace by Bruce Nauman | Museum Brandhorst
- The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling by Ellie Lisitsa | The Gottman Relationship Blog
- Comparative Suffering, the 50/50 Myth, and Settling the Ball by Brené Brown | Unlocking Us
- Life Dinner | Feld Thoughts
- What is Agile Software Development? | Agile Alliance
- Beyond Vulnerability: More Honest, More Open, and Less Vulnerable by Jim Dethmer | Conscious Leadership Group
- Are You a Candor Black Belt? by Jim Dethmer | Conscious Leadership Group
- The 6 Things That Predict Divorce | The Gottman Institute
- Anne Lamott on Taming Your Inner Critic, Finding Grace, and Prayer | The Tim Ferriss Show #522
- Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA) | Investopedia
- What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)? | ICEEFT
- What is Hold Me Tight? | ICEEFT
- A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research | University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Department of Psychology
- What is Relational Life Therapy (RLT)? | RLT
- Tronick’s Still Face Experiment | Save the Children’s Resource Centre
- What is Normal Marital Hatred? | Terry Real
- The True Meaning of ‘Repair’ in Relationships | Terry Real
- Meet Your Internal Wisdom | The Work of Byron Katie
- Relationships: The Root of Our Awakening | Hendricks Institute
- Karpman Drama Triangle | Wikipedia
Books
- Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
- The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel
- Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. by Brené Brown
- Startup Communities: Building an Entrepreneurial Ecosystem in Your City by Brad Feld
- The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership: A New Paradigm for Sustainable Success by Jim Dethmer, Diana Chapman, and Kaley Klemp
- Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
- Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen
- Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
- Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship by Terry Real
- Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment by Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks
People
- Steve Alley
- Amy Batchelor
- T. Berry Brazelton
- Debbie Burditt
- Matt Chapman
- John Douglas
- James Framo
- Sigmund Freud
- John Gottman
- Gay Hendricks
- Katie Hendricks
- Byron Katie
- Anne Lamott
- Bruce Nauman
- Edward Tronick
Timestamps
- [00:00:00] Intro from Tim.
- [00:01:58] Esther Perel: Daily appreciation, letter-writing, and “ask, don’t complain” — plus Gottman’s Four Horsemen.
- [00:08:21] Brené Brown: The 50/50 marriage myth, and why “family-focused” beats kid- or parent-focused.
- [00:12:02] Brad Feld: “Life dinners” — running the marriage as a monthly retrospective and sprint plan.
- [00:16:51] Jim Dethmer: Conscious candor — separating facts from stories, and revealing to be known, not right.
- [00:23:04] Sheila Heen: Why difficult conversations are the relationship; using humor to name the dynamic.
- [00:29:26] Dr. Sue Johnson: The “hold me tight” conversation — reaching from vulnerability past the demand-withdraw spiral.
- [00:40:14] Terry Real: “Normal marital hatred,” the harmony-disharmony-repair rhythm, and repair as a one-way street.
- [00:46:19] Diana Chapman: Repeatedly “killing off” the marriage to re-choose it, and calling forward the partner you want.
Quotes
“Don’t complain, ask. Behind every criticism, there’s often a wish.”
— Esther Perel
“Everyone says marriage should be 50/50. It’s the biggest crock of bullshit I’ve ever heard. It’s never 50/50. Ever. … A partnership works when you can carry their 20 or they can carry your 20. And that when you both just have 20, you have a plan where you don’t hurt each other.”
— Brené Brown
“Just naming the thing oftentimes gets rid of a lot of the anxiety. Just labeling it, just calling it out, and saying it out loud.”
— Brad Feld
“Before you start revealing, start listening.”
— Jim Dethmer
“We fight about how we fight. That’s the fight we usually have.”
— Sheila Heen
“What attachment science tells us is that emotional isolation is toxic for human beings. … In safe relationships, couples grow each other.”
— Dr. Sue Johnson
“The essential rhythm of all relationships is harmony, disharmony, and repair. Closeness, disruption, and a return to closeness.”
— Terry Real
“I believe that fear, when we’re present, is an intelligence that says, ‘Something needs to get learned.”
— Diana Chapman
Want to hear another episode with someone who thinks deeply about how we understand and relate to one another? Listen to my conversation with philosopher Alain de Botton, in which we discussed real-world versus academic philosophy, emotional intelligence, the underrated skill of listening, why “mean” is often simply “anxious,” status anxiety, practical pessimism, the value of rituals and tribes, “ordinary genius,” and much more.
This episode is brought to you by Eight Sleep. Temperature is one of the main causes of poor sleep, and heat is my personal nemesis. But a few years ago, I started using the Pod Cover, and it has transformed my sleep. Eight Sleep has launched their newest generation of the Pod: Pod 5. It cools, it heats, and now it elevates, automatically. With the best temperature performance to date, the Pod 5 ensures you and your partner stay cool in the heat and cozy warm in the cold. And now, listeners of The Tim Ferriss Show can get $350 off of the Pod 5 for a limited time! Click here to claim this deal and unlock your full potential through optimal sleep.
The post Relationship Tools That Work — Esther Perel, Brené Brown, Dr. Sue Johnson, Terry Real, and More on Conflict, Repair, and Lasting Love (#880) appeared first on The Blog of Author Tim Ferriss.
Creative Boom 
Crime Reads 
Ciente Blog 
The Sydney Morning Herald - World 
Healthcare Exchange Standards 
Techmeme 