By: Greg Douglas, LPC We all get stuck in conflict with our partner from time to time. If you’ve been feeling way too much conflict and not enough connection you could be falling victim to using one or more of the 5 Losing Strategies as noted by Relational Life Therapy founder Terry Real. I’ll show... Read More The post 5 Losing Strategies that Lead to Conflict (and how to fix them) appeared first on Douglas Counseling.
By: Greg Douglas, LPC
We all get stuck in conflict with our partner from time to time. If you’ve been feeling way too much conflict and not enough connection you could be falling victim to using one or more of the 5 Losing Strategies as noted by Relational Life Therapy founder Terry Real. I’ll show you what these losing strategies are and also give you antidotes to change the way you communicate with your partner.
Losing Strategy #1: Needing to be Right
This strategy is all about arguing over whose view is more accurate. Is your experience more aligned with “objective reality” or is your partner’s. We spend time arguing about the “facts” and “details” of a situation and often lose sight of what’s actually important.
The fix for this losing strategy is listening to your partner’s view to understand their experience. What was my partner’s view of what happened? How did they feel? What was missing for them that would have helped? Asking yourself questions like this can help you to focus on what really matters here, your partner’s subjective experience.
Losing Strategy #2: Controlling Your Partner
Most of us know exactly what it feels like to be controlled, and newsflash, it’s not a good feeling! Some people seek to control through more direct means while others resort to more indirect forms of seeking to control. When things aren’t going your way it might seem like a good idea to take control, but this almost never works in relationships.
The best way to combat control is accepting what lies within your control. You can’t control your partner, and even if you could it wouldn’t be a healthy dynamic. Remind yourself that you are not in charge of your partner, your relationship, or specific outcomes. You are only in control of how you operate inside of your relationship. That’s it.
Losing Strategy #3: Unbridled Self-Expression
Unbridled self-expression means saying whatever you want with no thought of how it could impact your partner. You say hurtful things that leave your partner feeling disrespected and devalued. Actions have consequences and things shared during heated exchanges often are not so easy to forget. Remember, just because you think it doesn’t mean you should say it.
The antidote to unbridled self-expression is speaking out in a contained way. You need to share your thoughts and feelings, but you want to do this in a way that has you taking ownership. Using ‘I’ statements and highlighting your own experience is the key to productive self-disclosure. Practice speaking to your partner about your own view and do your best to avoid blaming, judgment, or criticism.
Losing Strategy #4: Retaliation
You hear your partner say something hurtful and launch a quick counter-attack. This is often referred to as “offending from the victim position.” “You’ve hurt me so I get to hurt you” is a common belief that comes with this losing strategy. Two wrongs don’t make a right, so don’t get caught up in a never-ending cycle of one-upping each other.
The antidote for retaliation is giving feedback. If your partner said something hurtful to you, clue them in on what was said and the impact you felt. Let them know that their words or actions impacted you in a big way and give them clarity on what would work better for you. You’ll get much further showing your partner a softer underbelly versus attacking them back.
Losing Strategy #5: Withdrawal
Withdrawing or walling yourself off from your partner is a common losing strategy. This often signals that you have resigned yourself and are feeling hopeless about a different outcome. When you put space between yourself and your partner there is little to no change of things being resolved. At best you avoid more conflict in the present but still have the unresolved issue waiting for you in the future.
The best way to combat withdrawal is to take space in a healthy way. You let your partner know that you need some time or space to think things through, let them know when you will return, and show willingness to return to the issue at hand. Sometimes we all need a little space, but learning how to take this space in a responsible way will allow you to avoid the withdrawal that leads to broken bonds.
Get Help if You Need It
Douglas Counseling has been helping couples communicate more effectively for years. Don’t settle for using losing strategies that only lead to more conflict. Couples counseling can help you learn new ways of relating that foster more connection and understanding. Life is too short to be stuck in conflict with the person you love. Please give us a call at (503) 388-6611 or visit us online at DouglasCounseling.com.
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