By Michelle F. Solomon My mother and I were the best of friends. And when I began to care for � More
By Michelle F. Solomon
My mother and I were the best of friends. And when I began to care for her when she started to have dementia, even though I didn�t like her disease (I hated it), I ended up taking it on as another chapter in our lives.�
She passed away in 2019, but I still have our memories, including my time as her caregiver, which I cherish.
I once read the First Step from Alcoholics Anonymous in a self-help book. One day it popped into my head: �I am powerless.� I started to say this First Step to myself in the beginning of Mom�s dementia. �I am powerless over my mother�s Alzheimer�s/dementia.��
I was powerless. There was nothing I or anyone could do to change how she was slipping into another stage in her life. Either I could go with it and try my best to enjoy my last years with her, or I could fight it.�
I decided I didn�t want our lives to �become unmanageable.� I would embrace our new normal for the well-being of both of us. Not to say I wasn�t suffering anxiety, I was, but I knew it was best for me to be �whole� to be available for her. Every caregiver�s �whole� is different. For mine, being such a thinker, I knew I had to keep my mental health intact and not let the anxiety I was feeling over everything going on to take over.
I began to say this mantra every morning.�
�I am powerless over Mom�s Alzheimer�s and Dementia, but I can make it manageable.��
There was a lot to manage, but for me I knew how important it would be when she was gone that I had spent those last years with her. I made up my mind to meet her where she was in her (our) Alzheimer�s/Dementia journey. And while I missed the vivacious, brilliant Mom I knew for so many years, the last chapter of her life and mine together could hold cherished moments for us still.
I made a picture book of all of the places we had been together: New York City, a lot. Mom loved Broadway shows. Las Vegas. Her visiting me when I was in college in Boston. Instead of asking her, �Do You Remember?� I would tell her stories of what we did, the shows we saw, where we shopped and what we bought.�
It soothed me and she loved the stories even though she couldn�t grasp that they were her memories � our memories together. I sang her Broadway show tunes. We watched Shirley Temple movies and ate cupcakes. My mother always watched her weight but now she loved cupcakes. Manageable.�
Being a caregiver to a loved one suffering from this terrible disease is one of the hardest experiences I�ve ever had to go through. Don�t get me wrong. And everyone�s loved one and every caregiver�s experience is different.
But maybe the answer is in that first step: �I am powerless over my loved one�s Alzheimer�s/Dementia. But I can manage it. I can.
If you have questions about Alzheimer�s or other dementia, please call the Alzheimer�s Association 24/7 Helpline at 800.272.3900 or visit alz.org.
