Roughly two months ago, I was talking about �still waters� and not rocking the boat. �I always have these fantasies that those feelings of stability will have some sticking power, but I have been downright down and depressed and...
Roughly two months ago, I was talking about �still waters� and not rocking the boat. �I always have these fantasies that those feelings of stability will have some sticking power, but I have been downright down and depressed and agitated lately, and more lately than that, physically ill and the most exhausted I have ever been. �All through this period, I stopped caring about things.
At first it was a conscious decision, like, �eff that.� �Then it became quieter, until I wasn�t reaching out to anyone but I was doing my best to keep up pretenses and did a lot of cancelling appointments, making excuses for why I couldn�t/wouldn�t be there/had disappeared.
I am not right on top of pulling myself out of this sinkhole, but I am more aware of it, at least. �I have started smoking again (yeah, I know, I know, I know) and am going through the whole beating up of myself over that failure. �I have barely been to the gym in the last month, and have even given up on my calorie tracker, MyFitnessPal, most days. �I am trying to resurrect all of that slowly, but to lay it all out there, it�s not working for me.
I have let issues get so big, piles so high, and issues so neglected that I am extremely overwhelmed. �Overwhelmed to the point of panic attacks and almost nightly nightmares, which is not a good place to be. �I haven�t felt like reaching out to anyone, somewhat because the response I am afraid I will get it how PROUD people are of ALL MY HARD WORK. �When it comes out here that there has been no hard work, just continued survival and nothing else, I don�t want to have those words ringing in my ears.
On a related note, I get so sick of myself saying, things are great, things are mediocre, things are terrible, and then up and down and back all over again, that it is a lot of the reason why I don�t blog often. �If I am this sick to death of me, I don�t figure anyone else wants to hear this shit either.
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