Intention, illness, and letting go + my (almost) Vipassana experience I’d temporarily forgotten how to slow down or switch off. Busy by my own doing, and a screen time to remind me. So I signed up for Vipassana. To recalibrate and refocus. I’ve wanted to since my 200-hour teacher training... The post Discipline Versus Reality appeared first on Yoga Trade.
Intention, illness, and letting go + my (almost) Vipassana experience
I’d temporarily forgotten how to slow down or switch off. Busy by my own doing, and a screen time to remind me. So I signed up for Vipassana. To recalibrate and refocus. I’ve wanted to since my 200-hour teacher training in India in 2017, when I experienced the benefits of a disciplined mindfulness practice. After one month of intensive training in a similar environment, I decided to postpone Vipassana. So I waited. But 8 years later, and 4 days into the 10-day program, I broke the core rule, aside from not speaking. I left.
In short, I got a high fever and terrible flu. Body aches that made basic movement hard, fogginess, and no appetite. I craved deep, undisturbed sleep in a dark room, but cooperated with the program. Supplementing my health with short naps in my tent until the gong chimed, signalling return to the meditation hall. When I soon felt (very) worse, I accepted the reality that I would leave; “just stay” thoughts or pushing through was ego. The point isn’t completion, but consciousness. To awaken the dormant self through observation of reality as it unfolds, including the reality of a body that needs rest.
Balcony view, India, 2017
To see things as they really are
Vipassana means to see things as they really are. It focuses on self-purification through self-observation; the changing nature of the body and mind, and universal truths: impermanence, suffering, and egolessness; to eradicate suffering through mental purification by direct experience not intellectual justification. The only activity for 10 days is sitting with yourself in disciplined introspection. Complete silence, no contact, reading, writing, phones, or physical exercise. Simple accommodation and meals. Vipassana is free, and past students’ donations enable future learning, eliminating financial barriers. Vipassana is not for vanity.
Now for the long version.
Bali 2015
Ontario 2016: beginning
I started consciously writing. Not journaling random things but actively processing feelings on paper. For two years, I regularly practiced yoga, and in my final year of university, between a full course load, an internship, and a restaurant job (x3), I was at my local studio. I travelled through Southeast Asia after graduation, and my next move was clear.
It’s tough to find a yoga teacher training that aligns with your values and needs. Google shows TripAdvisor top tens, and the tourist traps disengaged me. I posted in a travel Facebook group for insight and met the girl who influenced my choice and, in some ways, inspired me to support others through writing and teaching. She may have also first told me about Yoga Trade. Everything is connected.
India, 2017: real beginning
I booked the next training at Yoga Vini. The ashram was in nature, outside Rishikesh’s centre. Accommodation was simple and comfortable with a private balcony where I journaled and watched the monkeys. After 200 hours, I felt confident enough to lead a sequence in English and Japanese, as we learned in both. I was constantly inspired, accountable, and immersed. Similar to Vipassana, the course aimed to cultivate an awareness state that is difficult to reach naturally amid life’s distractions. The 4 am morning bell, balanced vegetarian meals and observed silence. Philosophy and intention. Simple sleeping and living conditions and rules. The first week hurt in every sense. 8+ hours of practice. But muscle memory soon felt a new skin. I even looked different. Learning yoga in its raw form was deeply profound. I think about this time a lot.
Timing matters & years teach
The decision to solo-travel to rural India felt right. Then and now. Preparation and clear intention to deepen my practice and appreciation. Or youthful ignorance. Despite experiencing my first real heartbreak a week before leaving, I didn’t expect the solitude to “heal” or divert my focus. I kept a journal during and noted objective mental and physical challenges without rumination and naturally overcame the pain through self-knowing. I remember the shift was monumental.
I went to Vipassana with entirely different intentions. Readiness. And genuine curiosity about what stillness and silence could reveal after 10 days, about almost a decade more of experience and heartbreak. The result was that my physical and mental bodies required complete rest more than my ego wanted answers.
Brazil, 2025: present
Drinking black coffee and eating leftover pizza while I write, smiling at how my approach to spirituality has become a nuanced kaleidoscope. I wish I knew sooner: there is no right way. And it’s not that serious. (My friend who taught me this knows who she is; a simple reminder, I’m grateful for).
When I left Vipassana, part of me felt like a failure. The part wanting to compete with myself for completion’s sake. But practicing is recognizing when discipline becomes harmful. Pushing through contradicts the very awareness the technique develops. The practice always continues, not always as planned. Gratitude, acceptance, dedication to observation and another lesson learned.
Future…
*The substories are all spark notes of longer versions, which require more time. Message me directly on Yoga Trade or Instagram for specific YTT, India, yoga and travel-related questions.
The post Discipline Versus Reality appeared first on Yoga Trade.
