The reason I stopped writing , the reason I stopped doing anything is this crippling anxiety that I�ve been dealing with. My world has shrunk, I don�t do anything I don�t go anywhere I don�t see anyone. Sometimes my...
The reason I stopped writing , the reason I stopped doing anything is this crippling anxiety that I�ve been dealing with. My world has shrunk, I don�t do anything I don�t go anywhere I don�t see anyone. Sometimes my heart feels like it�s going to explode in my chest. Sometimes my brain feels like it�s going to explode. Sometimes I just wanna sit and cry and never stop. And sometimes I�m so afraid about everything and anything that panic sets in. Tried everything, benzodiazepines, therapy, other meds, exercise, breathing, meditation, tried it all. Finally, I tried ketamine with such high hopes that this will bring me out of this anxiety disorder that I have developed. But it didn�t. Not only that I truly felt like I was going to die under the influence of ketamine. It was one of the most horrible experiences that I�ve ever had and I did it three times at a dose of 50 mg each time. Then of course I realized it was 2 1/2 times the dose that I should have been getting according to my weight so I spoke to my psychiatrist about it and he said yes it�s too much for me and if I or anyone gets too much then things actually get worse not better. Completely disillusioned I didn�t know what to do and I didn�t do anything for a whole year until yesterday I went back to the ketamine clinic and asked them to give me 20 mg instead of 50. I was met with some resistance but they did it. It was still awful going through it, the Ketamine experience is just awful for me, feels horrible, like I�m literally going to die. But today I feel like maybe the anxiety is going away!!! I�m walking around gingerly, hoping that this is true, hoping that monstrous thing called anxiety doesn�t take over my brain again. Hoping. If any of my readers are left haha, please Hope with me. This is funny, but I even joined a prayer group on Facebook and I�ve been asking them to pray for different reasons and of course I�ve been praying for other peoples request too and funny enough seems, that sounds crazy but it seems like that works. Anyway, if I am free to live my life without anxiety, I will be blogging a lot more, so see you all next time I.
