Re-evaluating priorities.� Does that equate to re-evaluating my life?� The latter feels so heavy and daunting.� Yet, so necessary and timely.� I�ve been in social services, correction..had been..for 20 plus years.� My heart is swollen a little from all...
Re-evaluating priorities.� Does that equate to re-evaluating my life?� The latter feels so heavy and daunting.� Yet, so necessary and timely.� I�ve been in social services, correction..had been..for 20 plus years.� My heart is swollen a little from all the issues and problems faced, then hopefully solved.� As a young person in social services, I had so much energy, heart and soul.� Dedicated to a fault to help those disadvantaged.� Always showing up, answering calls, losing sleep, dodging insults from both parents and clients alike-All in the name of advocacy. I truly believed that then and do now.� I have everyone else�s best interest at heart first.� Guilty people pleaser.� Guilty of not knowing myself outside of work. Guilty of feeling Guilty�most of the time.
And here I am with a job well outside my �wheelhouse.�� Not social service of any kind.� Customer service, which is kinda, secretly woven into social work, is part of my new gig.� However, I find it so hard to let us �normal� folks off the hook in the same way.� When a client threw his cell phone or cussed me out, or I had to leave the environment for my safety, it made sense.� It�s not a pass for unacceptable� behavior, but a� little more understanding behind said behavior.� And maybe more room for teaching or modeling how to handle it next time.� Of course�.only on a good day that sentiment could be realized.� But, for me, I could rest knowing it�s not personal. This person, client, has a disability and diagnosed impaired judgement.
That�s� a long winded segue into now. Re-evaluation.� I started applying for a county position in February.� Some great and impactful jobs, do not have any retirement incentive.� I took the highest paying job I was ever offered.� Recrited for honestly. No retirement.� Which on the face wasn�t my priority, whether I could do the job was the question. Just 3 weeks in and the job was not as promised and I was quickly working 50 hours per week.� As someone with a bipolar disorder, I feel that�s too much.� Especially at an unexpected times to fill in�later in the evenings, when I need to take medication and on weekends when rest is needed. I had to quit. My husband insisted I quit.� I knew it.� But did not want to be a quitter.
In the meantine, the county jobs I applied for started to happen. Divine intervention I think.� Hard for me to process, but let it be.� Now, I am at the county job. I do not like it.� I think I don�t like it.� Sometimes I do�mostly I don�t. Its all new, with new concepts. I�m not so good at that.
The pattern of my life, even at 47, is I�m not sure what I like or don�t like. What I�m actually good at or not.� I took a lower paying lower stress job for me. For my mental health. For my marriage. AND the damn retirement.�
In my mind, I gave up my favorite gym, I gave up meeting with my therapist weekly and just some relaxed mornings in general.� ALL IN THE NAME OF LOWER STRESS and RETIREMENT.� Any new job has stress. As a perfectionist, even more. �But, off at 5-truly.� No weekends. No making decisions for peoples lives.� That is a little refreshing.� Enter dealing with the public at large.
We live in an area where wild fires are now the norm.� Its sad and scary. So far, we are blessed and have not lost our home.� We had to flee in 2017 as we could see the fire from our front window.� But, nowhere near actually losing everything.� That, I cannot imagine.� Now, in my new position, I deal with some people that are rebuilding from a fire.� I� want to honor those people and understand their frustration being stuck in this position.� Stuck with coming to the county for assistance. I think I�m becoming that person.� Understanding systems, protocols, and how to channel calls to the correct person. That, I really like.� yet, I hate it.�� Constantly asking where is my gratitude.
Where is my damn gratitude?� I have shared� before that I have Bipolar as well as alcoholism.�� So, a drink seems to be the answer. I am so much better, engergetic, engaging and well� just better with alcohol in my system.� This is my disease saying all this.� �you killed it today-so customer service and handling business.� However, its not true. I miss details that are brought to my attention the next morning and I am filled with shame.� Because I am not able to focus or be present or�.
Priotiies.� It feels like I had to go through that to get here.� And acknowledge, I�m struggling. I�m not super human. I tend to want to way��im only�..at this new job.�� I have to re-evaluate.� It�s an important job�the first line of folks needing help. Sometimes the last line as they are finally approved for the permit they needed. Paying with glee with a credit card to get things moving in THEIR life.� I can be a vessel in that, if I let myself.� AND I can also prioritize me�I rejoined my gym.� I�m getting better sleep, and realizing I can only help when I am at my best.�
My biggest question at this point-can I put down the bottle and trust in the process?� this process called life.� Relax that I may have room to grow in this position, and into another one.� Its not all about me all the damn time.� I am blessed.� I am lucky.� I can work towards gratitude.� And in that.. it�s okay to have feelings and thoughts not always aligned with gratitude. Who can?� Probably Ghandi.� We are human.� And the struggle is truly real.� Just breathe is a mantra and� Tshirt I wear.� Today, I will breathe into this life.
