I can go months being �normal�� yes, I always have my quirks � my projects, my excited childlike ways, my down moments, but I can deal with them all because as a whole, I am normal. I fit in...
I can go months being �normal�� yes, I always have my quirks � my projects, my excited childlike ways, my down moments, but I can deal with them all because as a whole, I am normal. I fit in with the rest of society and other than the people close to me, no one really notices the quirks. Then, I fall, I fall hard. There�s not one specific thing, in fact if there is a trigger this time, then this trigger seems so pathetic it�s unreal. The hard thing is, no matter how pathetic, you can�t change the way you feel. You can�t stop that feeling, you can�t just feel better. People don�t realise how much something they say or do can affect someone else so much. Don�t get me wrong, I�m a strong believer of making your own happiness. Whatever has been said or done, no one else is to blame for the way I feel. It�s up to me to change how I feel. The problem is, with my head, it�s not that easy.
This has been coming for a few weeks now, I just hoped I�d get through, knowing I was borderline an episode, and brush past it. Unfortunately, that doesn�t seem to have happened. I�m ok, much better now than I was last week. Maybe that�s why I feel I can write something now � I don�t know. I have so many racing thoughts in my head and so much going on that I cant straighten them all out. I�m trying, I�m trying real hard. I know it�s hard for the people close to me to deal with me like this. It�s hard for me too. I just have to keep reminding myself that those normal days will be back soon. I probably still seem normal to most people. I�ve admitted to a couple of friends that I�m not quite right at the minute. That�s hard in itself. I said to someone the other day, I wish I could say �I�ve got another migraine� or �my backs really playing up today�. Don�t get me wrong, I don�t want either of those things wrong with me. But if that was why I didn�t want to go out or I couldn�t cope with life, people would just accept it and move on. When you say �my mental ness is worse today� or �I just can�t handle it all today� people expect you to just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and crack on. I try that and usually succeed but sometimes it�s impossible. Just like it would be impossible to just get rid of your migraine. I don�t know if any of that makes sense, but it�s helping me to write it down so hey ho!
Maybe I�m over it now, maybe it�ll get worse before it gets better? I don�t know � but I am looking forward to getting out of this feeling!
